Time to run for the border in our on-going odyssey to…
…eat at every restaurant in our hometown of Washington, Missouri. The rule is simple: When we ‘eat out’ or ‘order in,’ we must do it someplace in our hometown where we haven’t yet eaten before until we’ve eaten everywhere.
Yes. Taco Bell.
Remember back in 1993 when Sylvester Stallone was still a relevant movie star? He was in a movie called “Demolition Man” and there was a scene in which Sandra Bullock explains to Stallone that, “now all restaurants are Taco Bell.” We should all be thankful that hasn’t come true. And, no, Sandra Bullock, I am not being quasi-facetious.
Taco Bell has had some winning marketing campaigns over the years.
Make a run for the border! Which these days looks and sounds like a nega-reverse-anti-immigration policy.
While Taco Bell continues to be a major player in where people eat fast food for suspiciously cheap prices, they have yet to win the apocalyptic David Foster Wallace-esque Franchise Wars.
Some people really dig Taco Bell. Others don’t care for it much at all. Truth be told, we’re split into both camps here at eateverywhereinwashmo.wordpress.com. Which is fine. We made a commitment to eat everywhere, even Taco Bell…
The Taco Bell building in Washington, Missouri has been standing for quite a few years. It has gone through a series of cosmetic make overs. Today, it has a bright and trendy feel. The walls inside are in-your-face adobe orange, the ceiling is a contrasting black. This should make the place feel like an eternal Halloween, but the accent pieces and other patterns mixed in effectively break up the color scheme. Be prepared for wildly stylized, confusion inducing mass produced art like this.
If there is a street, why are the car driving across the arms of this Taco Bell ogre? Why is the foot on the left so misshaped? Does the Taco Bell ogre have a tumor? Why are there cars but no one in the cars? And so on…
And then there are the random patchwork details like this…
…which is decor somewhere between kitschy cruise ship dining room and Las Vegas all-you-can-eat buffet.
At the soda fountain you will find not just 1 kind of Mountain Dew,
Not 2 kinds of Mountain Dew,
But 3 kinds of Mountain Dew!
OK, here’s something weird. On the official Mountain Dew website, all kinds of Mountain Dew beverages are listed, including caffeine free diet Dew (what’s the point?!?!?), but NOT Baja Blast Mountain Dew? Where is Taco Bell getting Baja Blast Mountain Dew?
For what it’s worth, we probably shouldn’t be drinking Mountain Dew, Baja Blast or otherwise. Unless you’re worried you may spontaneously combust, in which case it is probably the proper beverage for you!
Time to discuss the food.
It’s all the same. Everything Taco Bell assembles and wraps up is made from the same ingredients. Sure, sometimes there are Doritos in it, sometimes you get it with extra cheese. But it’s all the same stuff and all of it pretty much tastes the same.
This was our order, more or less.
One of those wrapped things is a chicken quesadilla. Somewhere in there is a special ordered chili cheese burrito, light on the chili with extra cheese. One of the things is supposed to be crunchy because of a shell made of Doritos material encased in cheese and a soft flour tortilla but by the time we got home to eat it, it was just a soggy Dorito. And, of course, a bag of Doritos. For what it’s worth, the bag of Doritos totally beats the bag of apple slices in a McDonald’s Happy Meal.
One of the things we ordered was a Burrito Supreme.
When the propaganda on the food you are about to eat is trying to declare that it is “delicious” and has to convince you in bold typeface that it contains “100% Real” anything, you should at least be a little skeptical of your meal. Right?
When we display it on a plate, this is was it looks like:
Which, admittedly, looks pretty good when you’re hungry.
All things considered, Taco Bell isn’t the worst thing you’ll ever eat. And, when you do eat it, it helps to maintain your sense of humor.
Taco Bell is an OK choice every once in awhile. Thankfully, we haven’t yet lived through the Franchise Wars and it’s not our only choice.